This Bracket’s Asphyxiating Me

Categories: Day at the Firm
Comments: 3 Comments
Published on: April 15, 2011

There literally is no better feeling than getting to work to see the envelope containing your paycheck invoice on your seat. It’s that feeling of, “Yes! That means I won’t be evicted for the next two weeks!“, “Yes! I can finally pay off a 10% of my anger management sessions!“, “Yes! I can eat something other than Beanie-Weenies and Alpo!” I’m sure the partner across the hall from me (who doesn’t even need an envelope with the tallied amount for the last payment period) has just gotten an email from his financial adviser telling him that because he set aside an automatic transfer of 28% of all new firm shares to be put into venture capital, he now has enough to buy a small Caribbean island. Well, good for him.

But, I’m not him and that is the last thing on my mind. Right now, I have money. I have something that I didn’t have 24, 12, even 2 hours ago. It has magically appeared in my bank account and now I can do whatever I want with it. Mwahahahaha– Oh, wait… Well, shit… Paralegal Hell!! Why did you have to remind me of my eternal responsibilities? Well, thanks SO much. I guess I’ll wait off on buying that one belt for work and keep wearing the same belt I’ve had since I was 14. (Yeah, if only my waist-size was still anywhere near that size. I think it’s doubled since then.)

Still, you all know that feeling of excitement that comes over you when you know you’ve worked well into OT and you’re waiting for that check that will make you feel like Scrooge McDuck diving through a pool of gold coins?

 

Well, at least that’s how I feel. And being at a law firm where you sometimes have to fight tooth and nail to find billable hours to justify your overtime, the big overtime checks can sometimes be a rarity. Well, this was literally the first check I’d received this year for work over 90 hours in two weeks. (Sad, I know, right?) Cumulatively, I had put in 119-and-one-quarter. Bam. I knew I was going to be rich! Richy richy rich ri— What the fuck? What the…. why am I only getting paid like $100 more than what I usually get paid? Where did all that time I put in on the weekends go? Where did all my money go? Where did my fucking gold coin pit go??? 

I seriously have a problem with taxes. And the government. At least right now. Evidently, it doesn’t matter HOW much I work. I am still going to end up with roughly the exact same amount because of what the government decides to take out. I couldn’t give a shit if I see my money at the end of the year. I want it now. I want it now so I can do with it what I please. Government, today is your special SUCK IT day from me and I’m sure a lot of other people out there. You are a sadist for not only taking out more than enough, but also for making your Tax Day happen on Pay Day. You made my frown go from upside down back to down. Bitches.

 

3 Comments - Leave a comment
  1. Ha! Sorry about that. I say you go crazy and buy that new belt!

  2. You know, all Judges are lawyers. Most politicians are also lawyers. The whole industry is just like the Mafia. Don Corleone didn’t get his hands dirty once he made it to the top.

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